There are so many things tugging at our interests, interests that lead us to stray off of God and onto ourselves. The Puritan culture that still lives and breathes in the fabric of America runs deep. We are taught at an early age to work hard, do your part, and all the while, "if you want to do it right, do it yourself". There's a lot of "doing" in our culture and that puritanical lifestyle seeps into my soul from day one and it's never really allowed me to just stop, drop everything, and follow Jesus. Clearly, there is nothing wrong with taking responsibility of one's life and do the work that is necessary to do. But so often, I misinterpret that responsibility as a way of relational fortitude with Jesus. The words "try", "do", "should", and "more" are constants in my prayer life. I want to "try" harder. I want to "do" more. I "should do more". But in doing more, I often just focus more on myself. I focus on whether or not I look good in what I am doing, asking if I am doing the right things, and wondering if I have done enough. It's really all about me.
The Lost connection is that I am like John Locke. Depending on the timeline you are watching, John Locke is in a wheel chair. The disabled Locke imagines and fantasizes about what he can do if he has the use of his legs. And then one day, he meets Rose Nadler, a supervisor in a temp agency trying to get Locke some work. He wants her to place him in a construction site because he tells her that's what he's interested in. She responds with, "I can send you there tomorrow, but the next day, you'll be right back here." And when Locke starts to lecture her on his circumstance, she responds with her own disability. She is dying of terminal cancer. Embarrassed, Locke apologizes for his demeanor, but Rose tells him something that we all need to hear. She said that she went through a period of denial and it wasn't until she accepted the brutal condition that she began to live and have peace. She encourages him to do the same, to not dwell and focus on what he can and can't do, but for who he is and who he loves.
There is also a disability in me. It's not a physical one, but the disability of sin in my life disables me to love and relate deeper with Jesus and others. It's created a barrier that relegates me to being self centered and self absorbed. I, too, think about what life would be if I only "did" more of the good things and less of the bad. I think about how wretched I am in the sight of Jesus. But watching Rose gently teach Locke about acceptance has given me a new perspective on my own relationship with Jesus. To not focus so much on what I am doing right/wrong, but to focus on who I am. Clearly what I do is an extension of who I am, but there is no balance of seeing myself for me in front of God - a broken spirit who is loved in spite of his imperfections. And to embrace God's grace and to believe that His grace can redeem any sin is difficult to grasp. But sometimes, the Holy Spirit will use someone like Rose, a fictional character that only speaks to me like she were real. The realness of the Holy Spirit has been there all along, but I was always too busy to listen. Maybe I have it all backwards. Maybe I need to think about God's economy first before my own, because only when that happens can I see me for who I really am. And to see that person is to take a step forward to allow God's redemptive story to play out. Because now He has space to work in my life because I can no longer "do" anymore than I already have.
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